what my mother doesn't know

my mother doesn't know that when tear ducts are overfilled
its because i'm fighting not to cry. i'm holding back, retaining more water than a pregnant woman, only because i'm afraid of getting those looks that pretty much say
"why can't you be tough like me?
why do you cry all the time?
why haven't you grown some crocodile skin like i have?
i didn't cry this much when i was a kid and i had BIGGER problems than you did."
yes mom, i'm aware that you had bigger problems than i did. i know that body image and self esteem don't even compare to dealing with racism of the 1950s.
but that doesn't mean belittle me, make me feel smaller than i already do. reduce me to a state of incoherent babble and stupidity, i'll be okay.
don't tell me not to cry, i dont tell you not to be cold to me, not to be incapable of showing emotions. i don't bark at you "SMILE! cause i'm sick of seeing your tar stained frown!"
is it so hard to hug me when i'm feeling sad? is it so hard to take five minutes to try to understand me, and bare with me when i'm not making any sense.
if you don't want to be let it to my world, say it now, so that in my adult years i'll know not to depend on you.
why not just say you never wanted to emotionally connect to me? it'd would have been an easier fall then trying to climb the mountain of getting you to understand only to plumit thousands of feet into a bank of cold snow.
i've never been able to say what i feel, but i'm saying it now:
you've never been able to show emotion, you've never been able to look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, i'm sick of wanting you to show affection your not capable of.
is it so hard to hold me when i cry, wipe my tears from my face, hold my hand?
do you really wanna know the reason why i want to move out so damn badly, its to be around people who wont make me feel small for showing emotion. people who understand that crying, screaming, shaking with anger and fear is NOT A WEAKNESS!!
you can watch people in the movies show emotion and its beautiful, but you can't even look me in the eye and say "I LOVE YOU!!!"
from this point on, i won't obstain physically from others who need affection, and if i wind up being unable to show affection to my own children, i'll put you in the worst home in creation, as the powers of the heavens as my witness!

the art of my body

my body
the canvas
composed of modernism
subtle touches of post impressionism,
ladened with thick black lines to define
where the mold begins
and brown skin flows freely to its end.
above lay breasts, ripe as grapefruits,
leading to a waist line
eager to taste
fine antidotes of rhythm
colliding with flamenco beats
swirling to the melody
are hips of a sinuousness nature
these hips embody the erotic being within
a genie who breaks free from the bondage
of a bottle and lets her amorphous
form billow in the breeze. these are
child rearing, bike steering, sometimes even god fearing
kind of hips.
these are earth shaking
love making
back breaking
do you feel your head board quaking
kind of hips!
mine are
soul shocking
bed rocking
goes beyond boots knocking
kind of hips.

and past my hips
deep within
the cavern of my thighs
lies
the mysteries of the universe.

lemons dont make lemonade alone

when life hands you lemons...you're suppose to make lemonade....but what happens when life fails to hand you the sugar and rain down a little water just so that you aren't squeezing lemon juice into your mouth and flinching at the bitter taste.

well great creator in the sky...I've got my lemons...in fact..i've got a barrel of them wedged in between my bookshelves...i'm really in need of some sugar....something sweet to happen in my life...cause right now with all the drama surrounding my friends i keep getting sent more lemons...maybe its not just me...maybe everyone is getting lots of lemons like i am...so the really gay and happy thing to do would be to make one big ole jar of lemonade....it would kinda be like a walgreens commercial..where life hands you everything you need..but life isn't like that!

i understand that to an extent...this is just one of those moments where i wish life was a walgreens commercial...except with more racial and sexual orientation diversity!