what my mother doesn't know

my mother doesn't know that when tear ducts are overfilled
its because i'm fighting not to cry. i'm holding back, retaining more water than a pregnant woman, only because i'm afraid of getting those looks that pretty much say
"why can't you be tough like me?
why do you cry all the time?
why haven't you grown some crocodile skin like i have?
i didn't cry this much when i was a kid and i had BIGGER problems than you did."
yes mom, i'm aware that you had bigger problems than i did. i know that body image and self esteem don't even compare to dealing with racism of the 1950s.
but that doesn't mean belittle me, make me feel smaller than i already do. reduce me to a state of incoherent babble and stupidity, i'll be okay.
don't tell me not to cry, i dont tell you not to be cold to me, not to be incapable of showing emotions. i don't bark at you "SMILE! cause i'm sick of seeing your tar stained frown!"
is it so hard to hug me when i'm feeling sad? is it so hard to take five minutes to try to understand me, and bare with me when i'm not making any sense.
if you don't want to be let it to my world, say it now, so that in my adult years i'll know not to depend on you.
why not just say you never wanted to emotionally connect to me? it'd would have been an easier fall then trying to climb the mountain of getting you to understand only to plumit thousands of feet into a bank of cold snow.
i've never been able to say what i feel, but i'm saying it now:
you've never been able to show emotion, you've never been able to look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, i'm sick of wanting you to show affection your not capable of.
is it so hard to hold me when i cry, wipe my tears from my face, hold my hand?
do you really wanna know the reason why i want to move out so damn badly, its to be around people who wont make me feel small for showing emotion. people who understand that crying, screaming, shaking with anger and fear is NOT A WEAKNESS!!
you can watch people in the movies show emotion and its beautiful, but you can't even look me in the eye and say "I LOVE YOU!!!"
from this point on, i won't obstain physically from others who need affection, and if i wind up being unable to show affection to my own children, i'll put you in the worst home in creation, as the powers of the heavens as my witness!